Dear Weekly Dispatch Recipient,
It has recently come to our attention that news happens more than once a week.
We have been deliberately ignoring this trend for years, but sadly it has not gone away. Therefore, we have opened a new chapter in the illustrious history of America's Finest News Source: The Onion Daily Dispatch, to which it would behoove you to subscribe today.
Each weekday you'll receive a simple electronic-notice that gives you an overview of our newest coverage, including
- Onion Radio News and American Voices every day,
- the Onion Sports page every Thursday, and
- the Onion Magazine, the President's Weekly Radio Address, and much, much more throughout the week.
Stay on top of your godforsaken world each day by signing up for
The Onion Daily Dispatch.
O. Balthazar Zweibel
Vice-President Of Cybermarketing